What do you mean TV insults are not the reason for the season? Family gatherings throughout the holidays are not always bastions of constructive thought and civilized conversation!
Well, maybe they are for some. But where is the fun in that? If you’re anything like me, you have a relatively dysfunctional family that hurls as many insults as compliments.
In that situation, it pays to be on your toes and keep your wits about you.
While this list is all about defending oneself from familial onslaughts, it’s not about making enemies of your own blood. Well, maybe the in-laws, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles all too often.
Try to avoid creating a massive rift in the family by slinging an ill-timed Family Guy joke in front of grandma.
Of course, some of the best insults come from the raunchiest shows and characters.
And if you’ve watched any TV in the last 20 years or so, you know what’s coming!
Succession — Roman Roy
“What I think he meant to say was that he wished mom gave birth to a can opener, because at least it would have been useful.”
There’s always that useless family member. You know, the one who hasn’t called, messaged, or otherwise spoken to anyone in the family all year but always shows up for the free food?
They’re the ones that get into the liquor cabinet, snatch your bottle of 18-year Glenlivet, and start taking shots like they’re at the local hole-in-the-wall. Succession provides the blueprint for dealing with such beings.
The best part about this insult is that you don’t have to wait for a specific time and place, especially for a lazy person. What’s the worst that could happen? They won’t show up next year? Yeah, right.
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Married with Children — Al Bundy
“Yes, and it cost more than the condom I should have used the night you were coceived.”
Kids are an absolute pain. If you don’t believe that, watch five minutes of TikTok, and you’ll discover that half the planet agrees.
Parenting is the only scenario in which communism is very workable, but the payback comes in having to deal with these highly inefficient, hungry buckets of overindulgence.
They get a free roof, free TV, free warmth in the winter and A/C in the summer, free food, and a free room, just to name a few. How do they earn it? By eating you out of house and home and complaining while they do it.
Not much changes when the holidays roll around, and they show up to consume even more. Hopefully, they’ll bring grandchildren you can endlessly spoil and send back home with them. Bah humbug.
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Veep — Selina Meyer
“Wow. Don’t give me that Quaker in a titty bar look.”
There’s always a new face at family gatherings, whether it’s that distant cousin who brought his exes along with his current girlfriend, or a friend of a friend who has nowhere better to be.
At some point, they’ll get a heavy dose of the typical family gathering, usually from somewhere in the black sheep’s corner. That’s when this little nugget of wisdom is appropriate.
There’s nothing like a double whammy to really throw the poor new person off even more. Recovery is simple: That bottle of 18-year Scotch in the liquor cabinet.
Veep’s Selina Meyer might be the epitome of mediocrity at times, but he has a few fantastic one-liners in store.
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Arrested Development — Lucille
“Take it back! If I wanted something your thumb touched I’d eat the inside of your ear!”
There is nothing on the planet more disgusting than a person’s unwashed hands, especially right before digging into Thanksgiving dinner.
Uncle Joe is getting a little long in the tooth and probably accidentally indulged in a little digital disimpaction while wiping.
There’s no telling where the kid’s hands have been, but nose-picking and butt-scratching are all but certainties.
Kindly remind them to go wash their hands before ignoring the cutlery and picking up the ham slices with fingers covered in billions of writhing bacteria and viruses
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Downton Abbey — Violet Crawley and Sir Richard Carlisle
“I’m leaving in the morning, Lady Grantham. I doubt we will meet again.”
“Do you promise?”
For the Dowager Countess of Grantham, giving a damn is a concept that went away a long time ago. Most people recognize Maggie Smith from the Harry Potter series, but her turn as the penultimate matriarch of an aristocratic family is far more entertaining.
She’s the great-grandmother who adults wish they had questioned more when they were little — a veritable font of information and history hidden beneath layers of snappy comebacks and devious insults.
Speaking of TV insults, Violet isn’t exactly the vulgar type. She doesn’t need to be. Her calculated derision is more subtle and cutting, a master showing off her craft.
Something tells me that the late Dame Maggie had much in common with the Dowager Countess of Grantham in wit and the fantastic equanimity with which Violet always delivered her rebukes.
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House — House
“Don’t worry, its treatable. Being a bitch though…nothing we can do about that.”
House is the epitome of TV insults and savage comebacks. The guy just doesn’t know how to act any other way. Of course, that’s a huge part of the reason why House became such a popular series.
If you ever have to descend to the level of House-vernacular, it’s probably not a Happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas.
However, if you watch closely, you’ll find a few colloquies here and there that aren’t so brutal they’ll get you banished from family gatherings.
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Archer — Malory Archer
“If I cared about what you do on the weekend, I’d stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes”
Malory is the personification of vanity and hilarious comebacks, even if many of them cut the bone marrow.
She’s also the last person on earth anyone would invite to Thanksgiving dinner. But, if you’re used to large family gatherings, there is probably a Malory in there somewhere.
As far as TV insults go, Archer’s Malory is capable of getting downright repugnant. However, her perverted, retrograde aphorisms are excellent for fending off the most brutal roasts.
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Family Guy — Stewie
“May every person that laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife.”
There is no greater reference for TV insults than Family Guy. If you need to reach deep into the bag of witty tricks to find the most abominable slanders possible, Stewie Griffin is the repository of all that is vile.
Stewie combines Peter’s callous disregard for social mores with a vastly superior mental acumen. Go for Family Guy when all bets are off, and general insults descend into chaos.
In fact, Family Guy is so laden with insults of every kind that you may not ever have to look elsewhere to find your inner wit and appropriately deal with unsympathetic family members. Happy Holidays!!
Do me a favor and let me know what your favorite TV insults and comebacks are in the comments!
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